How to Queer your End-of-Life Planning
In June, D.C. hosted the International Pride festival. As someone who’s marched since the ‘80s, it felt bittersweet - joyful for how far we’ve come, but sobering as we watch hard-won rights being threatened.
It’s more important than ever to think about how we plan our end-of-life journey. LGBTQ+ people are twice as likely to live alone, and four times less likely to have children. Having a solid plan for end-of-life planning is a form of self-protection. Here are a few things to consider:
1. Honor Your Family of Choice
Most of us rely on chosen family – partners, friends, or community members who’ve supported us. Creating a will or a trust ensures they, not estranged relatives, handle your care and legacy. Compassion and Choices has an excellent resource: LGBTQ+ advance-care-planning toolkit.
2. What to Do When You Are Well
Don’t wait for a crisis. Advance directives, wills, and conversations with your chosen family are essential. Funeral costs can add stress – planning early helps. The Louisiana LGBTQ+End of Life Guide is an excellent resource for looking at the consumer protections that are in place when talking to funeral businesses.
Trans and gender-diverse individuals should include specific language in healthcare directives to affirm their identity. This ensures professionals respect your name, pronouns, and care preferences. The National Resource Center on LGBT Aging has example language in this publication.
3. Preparing for Living with Serious Illness
If you or a loved one faces a major health event, creating a care plan is vital. SAGE has prepared a great guide. Also, explore LGBTQ+ friendly communities – like Mary’s House in D.C. Every case is unique, and the National Resource Center for LGBTQ+ Aging can provide technical assistance.
Most importantly, as my good friend Diane Ullius says, “Hold on to the love. Keep hugging, keep laughing—these are the things that carry us through.”
4. Honoring Life
As a death doula, I began by planning my own goodbye. I found peace and joy in buying a burial plot at D.C. Congressional Cemetery, known for its LGBTQ+ section. I even designed my tombstone and had it shipped from Tennessee!
Your celebration can be personal and powerful. Check out creative ideas - like Friends Funeral Home in Los Angeles. They have great ideas for GLBTQ+ funerals, pagan, Buddhist, space burial, Japanese Obon, and others.
End-of-life planning isn’t just practical. It’s a way to claim your dignity, your people, and your truth. If you want to chat more about this, give me a call.
This article was originally published in the July 2025 newsletter from The DC Death Collective.
